When it comes to intimacy, men and women are on different sides of the bed. But it’s still possible to have the red-hot, holy sex life that you’ve always wanted
When it comes to sex, men and women are definitely–pardon the pun–on opposite sides of the bed. We men are practically clueless about cultivating a passionate and romantic relationship with our wives. At the same time, women often have no idea how important sexual fulfilment is to us both physically and psychologically. Churches usually ignore the subject, further complicating the problem and leaving both men and women to look elsewhere for answers. And so-called “sexperts” often give us advice that amounts to little more than a sexual plumbing manual.
What’s a guy to do?
Thankfully, the greatest sex and romance manual ever written is the Bible. Men who are sexually frustrated can find understanding into the female psyche and learn how to have the sex life they’ve always wanted in the pages of God’s Word. Not only that, but the Bible actually shows us how we can have the most rewarding, passionate, erotic, spiritual and fulfilling sex life that is humanly possible! Got your attention? Here then are 10 ways based on Scripture that you can ignite your sex life and, ultimately, help cultivate that closeness that your wife is longing for.
1. Learn to Tune Into Your Wife:The cold truth is that the vast majority of us are not sensitive to our wives. All too often we’re oblivious to their real emotional needs. Many of us if we were in a business meeting could in a second read every subtle nuance or the body language of a prospective client. We are geniuses at reading people in the business world and morons when it comes to understanding our wives. As men we need to actively discipline and train ourselves to be sensitive to our wives. This does not come naturally for most of us so it will require concentration and hard work. But when our wives sense that we are being truly sensitive to them, they will respect us, open up to us, trust us and desire to be physically intimate with us (see Eph. 5:25).
2. Romance Your Wife:When you were first courting your wife, you knew instinctively how to be sensitive, caring and romantic. You admired her and complimented her. You were extra courteous, thoughtful, kind, and you did a lot of little romantic things for her. Maybe you took her out for coffee, listened to her intently when she poured her heart out to you, wrote her little love notes and poems, brought her gifts and flowers, and showered attention on her. Then you married her and let that same attention and romantic passion slip. Slowly, without recognizing it, you lost the romantic tenderness and passion. Now when you approach her sexually, she seems uninterested and unavailable. Why should she be interested in you sexually? You have stopped being her lover on the kind of romantic level that every woman craves. She is literally starving for your emotional love and romantic tenderness. What you need to do is go back in your mind and remember what you used to do right. Begin to find ways to be romantic again and don’t expect an instant payoff. If you will begin to court and romance your wife from sincere motives of really loving her and caring for her, you will be amazed at how effectively you can light her fire. But, if you are being phony and manipulative and just expecting a sexual reward, you may end up sleeping on the couch again (see Song 4:1-15).
3. Cultivate a Romantic Relationship:Whether you want to admit it or not, if you are being nice to your wife for the purpose of a “sexual payoff” you are in a very real sense using her as a “sex object.” Your wife has an innate sense if you like being with her or not. It’s no accident that Proverbs says “Rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Prov. 5:18, NIV). The Holy Spirit writing through King David was urging men to actively enjoy, delight and rejoice in their wives. Most men, when they were first dating and courting their wives naturally enjoyed, delighted and rejoiced in them. Women open up to this kind of rich romantic love like flowers respond to sunshine and water. In the same way, wives will naturally blossom sexually with their husbands when they are nourished with love, tenderness, care and sensitivity. Passionate sex flows naturally out of a rich emotional and spiritual relationship with our wives. Many men want the passionate sex without the emotional and spiritual relationship. But God did not design women this way. If a man really wants to light his wife’s fire he must learn to be the lover of her soul before he becomes the lover of her body.
4. Don’t Ignore Unresolved Conflicts:If you ignore or try to sweep under the carpet conflicts, tensions and disagreements that are going on in your marriage relationship, you will find that your wife will not be interested in being with you. A lot of men try to brush these things off and then want to make love, only to find that their wives pull away from them. A wife does not feel like getting physically close to her husband when there is unresolved hostility or conflict in the relationship. In fact, she will give you the “deep freeze.” It will be like trying to defrost a lake in Minnesota in the dead of winter with a cigarette lighter. The husband must be the leader in healing any conflicts, even if he thinks he is right!
5. Be Understanding of Where She Is Physically and Emotionally:Many times when we want to have sex with our wives, we are oblivious to the fact that they are exhausted, physically run down, depressed, anxious about something or not feeling well. Generally, men need sex more often than their wives do, with little or no preparation. But many women are exhausted from balancing the demands of work, family and other activities. A man must be sensitive to where his wife is at, be patient and initiate sex at the right time. There are going to be times when she is simply too tired, and you cannot react in anger, feel personal hurt or rejection (see Eph. 5:28-29).
6. Stop Begging and Start Talking:Nothing is more pathetic than watching a grown man beg. The line goes something like this, “Oh honey, please.” Some men even recite “to-do” lists in order to win their wives’ favor. There is only one word to describe this approach: pathetic! Why not try talking to your wife instead? Sex talk need not be all serious and sober. And it certainly should not consist of complaining, pressuring, demanding or begging. It shouldn’t be offensive or gross. When you talk about sex with your wife, it should be at the right time. There should be laughter, and it should be fun. (Gasp!) Your sexual relationship should flow out of your emotional and spiritual relationship. You should not be pressuring your wife to do things sexually that she is not comfortable with. You must respect each other’s wishes, needs and desires (see Eph. 4:25, 29-32).
7. Be Creative About How You Approach Your Wife Sexually:Most men are ready for sex almost instantly. We are not discriminating about when, where or how. For most women, though, physical intimacy is about love, romance and emotional connection. They enjoy things like candles, bubble baths, soft and colorful sheets and pillows. A man’s cleanliness, smell and grooming are also important. Women like love notes, poems, foot rubs, massages, flowers and other things that create an atmosphere of love. A husband must be both sensitive and creative in creating this kind of atmosphere. For many men, the attitude is “wham bam thank you ma’am.” This is not the biblical view of sex between a husband and a wife. Sex between a husband and wife should be passionate and holy at the same time (see Prov. 5:18-19). It should be a celebration of your spiritual union in Christ, not about getting off.
8. Find Ways to Praise and Compliment Your Wife:A woman wants to know that she is admired by her husband, that her husband finds her attractive, feminine and sexually appealing. The way you treat your wife and talk to her is reflective of how you see her. Your wife instinctively knows if you find her attractive and appealing. She wants to know that she is special to you and that you really love her. If you complain about the way your wife looks, her weight, etc., you dampen her sexual interest. When you praise and compliment your wife, however, make sure it is sincere and heartfelt! (see Song 1:8-10)
9. Make Sure Your Sexual Desires and Attitudes Have Been Renewed:The reality is that many men have had their sexual attitudes framed by exposure to soft or hard-core pornography. In Hebrews 13:4 it says, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (NKJV). The marriage bed can be defiled by bringing into it some of the debasing attitudes and practices of the world. Many men have strongholds in their minds from exposure to pornography. As a result, their sexual desires have been programmed, and they cannot be “turned on” unless they mentally fantasize or try to re-enact what they have seen in pornography. Their wives sense this and then become very uncomfortable about having sex with them. In situations such as this they need to experience firsthand the Holy Spirit’s power to deliver and reprogram them sexually! In 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5 it says, “That each of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God.”
As a general rule, God does not give long lists to His people about how and when married couples can have sex, but there are sexual practices promoted by mainstream media that promote sexual values and practices that the Bible specifically prohibits. Watching pornography to “spice up” your sex life, fantasizing about someone else, and using sex games that are either expressly sadomasochistic or lean that way–these are all practices that the Bible condemns.
Still, God gives husbands and wives a wide range of freedom in their sexual expression and desires for us to enjoy a rewarding sex life. For example, He does not tell us what position to have sex in or that one position is more holy than another. In addition to emotional and spiritual intimacy, there should be the elements of fun and holy passion in the marriage bed. Remember that the Holy Spirit is with you in the bedroom, and God wants to pour out blessing on your sexual union.
10. Be a Friend to Your Wife:The sexual relationship between a husband and wife should flow out of true friendship and close companionship. Spend time enjoying one another’s company. Your relationship should not just consist of talking about bills, kid problems, household chores and “to-do lists.” You have got to spend time sharing your laughter, your dreams, your inner thoughts, your relationships with the Lord and your lives together. A woman is physically turned on by this kind of emotional intimacy and closeness (see Eph. 5:33).
We men must realize that for a woman making love is far more than just the physical act of sex. In our relationship with our wives, we must realize that sexual intercourse is the physical consummation of emotional and spiritual intercourse. What our wives really desire is oneness with us. The most powerful aphrodisiac for our wives is this kind of emotional and spiritual intimacy.
By Paul McGuire
Culled from COVENANT RELATIONSHIPS