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Problems of Christian Dating: “Nervous and Excited” – by John Thomas

“DEAR BOUNDLESS ANSWERS

I’m currently in a relationship with a guy who is a Christian, and we’re in a forward-moving relationship. We’ve discussed sexual temptation and how we want this to be a God-honoring relationship. I shared a few points from Joshua Harris’ book Boy Meets Girl, and I requested that I want to save my kiss for marriage only. He respects that.

What I’m worried about is our physical relationship and our sexual drive. We’ve hugged for three minutes, kissed on the cheek or side of my lips, held hands sometimes, stroking, and I realized this makes me very nervous and excited. Sometimes lust takes over my mind (I’m not sure about him), but I quickly pray for God’s mercy and thank God that so far I’ve fled from it.

I’m really scared because we both love each other very much, and I don’t want to make a wrong move. Can you give me some suggestions how we can love each other so much but also help each other not be sexually tempted? How can I discuss this healthily and openly with him so that both of us won’t get tempted after the discussion?
teen dating
REPLY

You have set some very good goals about purity in your relationship, but your other choices are undermining those goals and will likely cause you to fail. Let me explain.

Saying that you want to save your first kiss for marriage is awesome, but kissing on the cheek or the side of your lips — as if that is not kissing — is not going to help you accomplish that goal. Having your bodies against one another, even though clothed, for extended time while struggling with lustful thoughts and becoming nervous and excited will not help you accomplish your goals of sexual purity.

Sexual purity starts in the heart and grows out from there. If it is not yet in the heart, but is still in that long journey from head to heart, then you must have strong, fortified boundaries to protect you while you nurture purity of heart.

Scripture tells us how temptation works. James 1:14-15 says, “We are tempted by our own desires that drag us off and trap us. Our desires make us sin, and when sin is finished with us, it leaves us dead” (CEV).

So, yes, you should be very concerned about where you two are headed. Your desires are about to drag you off and trap you. From what I can tell, not only are you not nurturing purity, rather, you are feeding lust. Don’t expect purity to win that fight.

You need more than the goal of purity; you need a plan for it.

First, you must establish some better boundaries than the ones you’ve set. This past summer my wife shared with some young women a list of very practical things to help in their pursuit of purity. The list originated with Nancy Leigh DeMoss of “Revive our Hearts,” and is based on Ephesians 5:3, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.” Some of those things were:

Practice discretion with your eyes, dress, speech and behavior. Avoid conversation, eye contact and prayer of an intimate nature.
Learn to be modest, rather than enticing men and causing them to lust.
Do not indulge in mental fantasies.
Do not act bold and flirtatious.
Abstain from physical contact that could stimulate illegitimate sexual desires.
Meditate on and practice Philippians 4:8 in your entertainment choices: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Be willing to do battle when tempted.
Be accountable.

My wife had the girls personalize this list by challenging them to make an individual contract that included each of these and others they came up with on their own, by turning each of these into a “With God’s help, I will” or “I will not” statement and then signing the bottom.

At a minimum, you and your friend need to take immediate action on some practical boundaries like these, both individually and as a couple. You need the brakes put on in a big way, which might even mean putting this relationship on pause for a season while you each nurture purity of heart through discipleship and prayer.

As for discussing it with one another, I would simply ask an older married adult or couple — a leader in your church or a mature Christian — to be with you and lead the conversation for you as you talk about where you go from here. That could continue on a regular basis so you have accountability, and it’s a healthy way to talk about it with your friend.

Which brings me to my closing piece of advice. Sexual desire is normal, good, God-designed and God-ordained. But God makes it clear that the context matters, and that context is one person of the opposite sex, for life, in marriage, and growing out of a love for God and His glory in our lives.

You both need to spend some time doing whatever it takes to not just hope for purity, but actually experience purity in heart transformation. That will require discipleship, lots of prayer, accountability and meditating on God’s Word. You can be assured that it will happen, but only if you pursue it with your whole heart. Don’t be foolish; make the difficult changes you need to make now and enjoy the great fruit that will come from good choices in the not too distant future.

Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS

Culled from BOUNDLESS.ORG

4 Comments on "Problems of Christian Dating: “Nervous and Excited” – by John Thomas"

  1. Pratical way to overcome lust | July 19, 2012 at 1:59 pm |

    pls tell me Pratical way to overcome lust, and prayer that drive out lust demon

  2. Dear believer,

    The first and most important step to overcome lust is to truly repent of this in your life. It must be godly sorrow. I do not know your situation, so I will mention everything that might relate. You must repent of thought of fantasy, of any sexual perversion, masturbation, spirit spouse and pornography. Go through this list and see what applies and ask the Lord to forgive you. Ask Him to put the fear of God continually in your heart.

    I would also recommend staying in the Word of God. Read scriptures and look up ones related to sexual impurity and imorality. This is absolutely essential.

    You must make a commitment to a lifestyle of repentance (turning away from sin).

    Prayer in terms of daily time with God is essential. As well as warfare prayers. Be aggressive in renouncing the above sins each one by one in the name of Jesus. Check to see if there are any inherited generational curses in your family line such as adultery, going from person to person, etc. If so, repent on the people’s behalf and renounce inherited curses over your life. Also command any spirits that came in through the ear gate, eye gate, hands, blood, mind and genitals to leave. Be aggressive.

    Constantly plead and reinforce the blood of Jesus over your life. Keep a clean life free from all manners of sin and quickly repent of anything. Keep short accounts with God. Pray the armour of God putting on each piece daily. Also make a habit of praying in the Spirit and praising God in songs.

    As for lustful thoughts, you have to constantly watch what is going through your eye gate and ear gate. That means watching where you go on the internet and putting filters on the computer so you can’t go on pornographic websites. Get a friend to do the password for you and not tell you, so you can’t undo it. Be careful of what you watch on tv and movies. Don’t watch sexually suggestive things. Don’t go to strip clubs to watch dancing girls. Rid your house of any nude magazines. Bind any spirits that may suggest to you to keep the magazine or not take any of these actions. The devil will tell you that you don’t neec to do all of these actions. He’ll suggest that your strong,etc.

    Be careful of worldly songs on the radio and what you have at home. Get rid of it. Listen only to godly music. Especially american music is filled with many sexual suggestions. Watch for ungodly friends. Do not hang out with them especially if they suggest to watch pornography, go to bad place, etc. Repent if you are in a sexual relationship outside of marriage or have committed the act here and there. Break all ungodly soul ties and any spirits of rape and sexual abuse if they occured to you.

    If you are in a relationship with someone who is a christian, do what the above mentions. If there is pressure for sex or to do things that stimulate arousal, you have to stop and repent and tell the person. If they don’t want to change, you have to get out of the relationship.

    Many of the things I have men

  3. Dear believer,

    The first and most important step to overcome lust is to truly repent of this in your life. It must be godly sorrow. I do not know your situation, so I will mention everything that might relate. You must repent of thought of fantasy, of any sexual perversion, masturbation, spirit spouse and pornography. Go through this list and see what applies and ask the Lord to forgive you. Ask Him to put the fear of God continually in your heart.

    I would also recommend staying in the Word of God. Read scriptures and look up ones related to sexual impurity and imorality. This is absolutely essential.

    You must make a commitment to a lifestyle of repentance (turning away from sin).

    Prayer in terms of daily time with God is essential. As well as warfare prayers. Be aggressive in renouncing the above sins each one by one in the name of Jesus. Check to see if there are any inherited generational curses in your family line such as adultery, going from person to person, etc. If so, repent on the people’s behalf and renounce inherited curses over your life. Also command any spirits that came in through the ear gate, eye gate, hands, blood, mind and genitals to leave. Be aggressive.

    Constantly plead and reinforce the blood of Jesus over your life. Keep a clean life free from all manners of sin and quickly repent of anything. Keep short accounts with God. Pray the armour of God putting on each piece daily. Also make a habit of praying in the Spirit and praising God in songs.

    As for lustful thoughts, you have to constantly watch what is going through your eye gate and ear gate. That means watching where you go on the internet and putting filters on the computer so you can’t go on pornographic websites. Get a friend to do the password for you and not tell you, so you can’t undo it. Be careful of what you watch on tv and movies. Don’t watch sexually suggestive things. Don’t go to strip clubs to watch dancing girls. Rid your house of any nude magazines. Bind any spirits that may suggest to you to keep the magazine or not take any of these actions. The devil will tell you that you don’t neec to do all of these actions. He’ll suggest that your strong,etc.

    Be careful of worldly songs on the radio and what you have at home. Get rid of it. Listen only to godly music. Especially american music is filled with many sexual suggestions. Watch for ungodly friends. Do not hang out with them especial.y if they suggest to watch pornography, go to bad place, etc. Repent if you are in a sexual relationship outside of marriage or have committed the act here and there. Break all ungodly soul ties and any spirits of rape and sexual abuse if they occured to you.

    If you are in a relationship with someone who is a christian, do what the above mentions. If there is pressure for sex or to do things that stimulate arousal, you have to stop and repent and tell the person. If they don’t want to change, you have to get out of the relationship.

    Watch for patterns like when are you tempted to lust? Why? Change the pattern. Do not be passive with lustful thoughts. Do not linger on imagining sex with people. Turn your eyes from people and the way they are dressed or their looks when you are outside and on the street. Do not linger on bad commercials. Redirect your thoughts to the Lord. Memorize scriptures and quote them out loud if you can at the time of temptation. Meditate on them over and over in your mind if you are outside in public and can’t pray out loud.

    Many of the things I have mentioned are not always the easiest thing to do, but it is very important. You cannot be passive in prayer and Bible reading as well as action. Maybe a lot of the things don’t apply, I don’t know, but be aware. Often, we give the devil one inch, but he wants to take 1 mile, so be on your guard.

    Keep asing God for strength and grace to be holy and to deliver you from evil. He will do it as you take all that I mentioned seriously. Also, plead the blood of Jesus over you before you go to sleep. Ask for God to put his Holy angels around you and a wall of fire of protection. Get a trusted friend you can talk to to keep you accountable.

    Watch for times of sleepiness or weak momunts. Make sure you get enough sleep, because when iur bodies and minds are weak, the devil will also attack you. There are excellent resources on here regarding spirit spouse and how to pray, so look it up and apply it if it is a problem for you. Another good resource is pure life ministries. It is online. And one of their books, at the altar of sexual idolatry is very good.

    God is faithful. He will help you as you are serious about repentance in prayers and deeds. We are all in the same struggle, but God is there and also the body of Christ to help you. Be encouraged and congratulations on taking a step to ask for help.

  4. Wonderful post; very great and similar to many of the things we talk about at Princess of Zion!! We speak about wives submitting, excelling as a woman, wife and mother!! Waiting for your wife, waiting for your husband…The proper procedure for picking a wife, husband and a successful blueprint for courtship! Please visit today and may the good Lord bless you. AMEN.

    Excelling as a wife- http://www.princessofzion.wordpress.com/2012/07/19/excelling-as-a-wife-this-is-for-the-women-and-men/

    Men should read it too; as they are also addressed. AMEN.

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